[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
The cavemen didn't have power.
And they had to deal with
soldiers with machine guns.
And giant aliens with
flamethrowers for hands.
If they can do it, so can I.
But, why did I waste all this
time doing--
You told me to go down there!
That, if I turned on the power,
everything would be wonderful!
I can see why somebody shot you!
I'm taking your gun from you.
I can use this as a drop weapon
if I accidentally shoot a civilian later.
All right, so where do I want to go?
I want to go up, because I've exhausted
every single possible dead end below.
Eh, this jump isn't too bad.
And, hey, if I miss,
it won't kill me.
Yeah, I mean, it would hurt, but the
only way a fall like that could kill me
would be if I landed headfirst so that
my body weight snapped my neck.
And that could never happen.
Okay, I'm just going to slip passed here.
And you're not going to hear me
because you're too bi--OH GOD!
Okay, I'm just going to run now!
[gargantua flames]
Ah-ah-ah-ah!
I think I underestimated this thing--door.
I can't outrun this, it's got
longer legs than me.
God, this happens every time I get cocky.
Somebody like this shows up
and I start wishing I hadn't
said a lot of things that I did.
Maybe if I press it, it'll beep and
distract this...guy...from me.
Or, I could just walk back and forth in
this cramped hallway for the rest of my life.
HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!
THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU!
This is like that trick where
the guy runs around on stage
spinning plates on sticks.
[generator powers up]
Uhhh...
That did not make a beeping noise.
OKAY, THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!
Back, back, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK, BACK,
BACK, BACKBACKBACKBACKBABABAYIYIYIYIYI!
Big reptile thing stomping
around like he owned the place.
Well, that's why the
dinosaurs went extinct:
The bigger they are,
the cooler they are to kill.
Y'know, I'm an expert on electricity
--on the atomic level, anyway--
and this to me looks like the power's on.
A bit more dramatic than what I
was expecting, but still, on.
I'm going back up to that train room
and finding out what
the hell's going on here.
That guard wasn't
telling me the whole story.
"Hey, yeah, all you have to do is pump out
"all that bilge water in the
generator room,
"turn the power on to the generator,
"shoot everyone in sight,
"then come back on and
turn on the DC generator,
"then go down to the storage
room and roll a spool up here,
"then bust out some pliers and electrical
tape so you can lay down some HV cable,
"then, just bust through a wall
and wire up a new circuit,
"then do the same thing on the
other end of the complex,
"and, yeah, you'll have that
train running within the month."
Of course, the real tragedy here
is that I didn't bring a camera.
If I had been taking pictures,
I'd be ready when I had to sit through
some family member's slideshow.
I could whip it out and be like,
"Fuck you! Your pictures
suck! Look at mine!
"There's me blowing up some bipedal
alien the size of a dump truck,
"Here's me shooting some troops
because I'm hardcore."
Yeah, I think we're done here.
You brought this on yourself.
Oh! What's this?
"Power: On"!
I like how we use big Doctor
Frankenstein switches for everything.
That's one thing the engineers
got right around here.
So, now I need to start the
train...which is, not up here.
I'm going to go out the window
because there's no glass and
nobody can yell at me.
That's just one of the perks of
killing everyone.
Speaking of which, if this doesn't start,
I think I'm going to take
it out on that guard.
Just kidding, I'm not going to
give rides to anyone.
That switch controls the track,
not the power.
The thing about running is that I'm
not really building up any muscle mass,
Okay, yeah, the benefits and
drawbacks of running
don't compare to tripping and doing a
faceplant on a white hot burning gas pipe.
That's just about the worst possible
thing I could do, actually.
But, yeah, I'm in awesome shape.
And I've been running in circles
today for miles already.
I'm sure I worked off
those Doritos hours ago.
Hey, you know what?
I don't want to hear it.
Okay, now I'm going to pull this switch
and make my dreams come true.
Or, at least my really unambitious dreams
that I need to happen, like, right now.
Okay, another exciting day in
the life of a forklift operator.
Well, technically this isn't a forklift,
but, I imagine operating an electric
tram is a good stepping stone
towards building a solid
forklift operator career.
Huh, if I took over the world,
I'd want my henchmen running
around all the time throwing switches.
So, this is good because now I can--
Okay, careful.
Because now I can say
I did the same thing.
Although, that implies I wouldn't make
people do something I haven't done myself,
which is totally not true.
I'd sacrifice people by the cartload
if it meant I could get better parking
or not have to wait in line.
People pass it off like it's a bad thing,
but I think the Mayans knew
what they were doing there.
You'll keep your mouth shut if
you know what's good for you.
You look like you've been gut-shot.
So, you're lucky I don't reach
in and take out your small intestine
and tie it off to use as rope so
I don't have to keep running up here.
I'm not going to do that
because it's gross,
plus I think it'd be too slippery
to get a grip, so be grateful.
Okay, are we going to go?
If I can get out of here fast enough,
maybe I'll still have time to
hit the clubs tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?
You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
Boy, optimists are retards.